The Hairpin Chronicles
Reboot:
Volume 1 Issue 1
September 2019
I found myself in a situation that I thought it prudent to send an email to my work colleagues that I deal with regularly. The purpose was to explain my newfound behavior and how it deviated from the norm. And though I sent it with serious intent, it made me giggle because my behavior deviates from the norm on a regular basis. How would someone know if I wasn’t acting normal?
And with this paragraph the Hairpin Chronicles officially return. I’ve been promising Q and Genevieve for a “Chronicles” for awhile now, but life and my master profound procrastination skills have delayed this monumental moment.
For the new readers and those who simply don’t recall what happened over a decade ago, I used to write a monthly update on the topic I know best – me. It was before web logs became blogs and before the internet was held in the palm of your hand. As one reader stated, it was perfect toilet reading. I’m taking that as a compliment.
My memory doesn’t serve, but I believe I started the Hairpin Chronicles to document my ascension from stand-up comedy emcee in Jacksonville, Florida to transcendent comedian/supernova star that illuminated the world with his wit, wisdom, and devilish good looks. (Quick note: that didn’t happen.) Or these chronicles may have begun during my trek of 27 states in 28 days documenting human beings we dubbed *trolls* for the documentary film “TrollTour” for which I was the “B-roll” production assistant.
Whatever the impetus for my HC, it was something I enjoyed immensely. Regular readers had a sneak peek into the mind of someone who was trying to “live the life of growing fame,” but in reality, was becoming a better alcoholic. But the Hairpin Chronicles had a happy ending! The author successfully sobered up, improved his job prospects, found a girlfriend whom he ended up marrying, and then gave birth to a child (the Chronicles ended before Thing 2 was born.)
In happiness and bliss, the Hairpin Chronicles faded away …
“Wait,” you ask, “if THC faded away in happiness and bliss, then why am I reading the rebooted Volume 1 Issue 1?” Good question. My answer: the wife and I have initiated our divorce. There was limited discussion about a separation, but this typist doesn’t believe in half measures. We spent over two years in couples counseling and towards the end supplemented this therapy with our own individual counselors. The divorce isn’t due to adultery or abuse. It’s due to love dissipating. We knew it was time because we weren’t role modeling intimacy and affection to our children. She and I still have an amicable relationship and I still see my children every day because I walk them to school and coach their soccer teams on Saturday. (Public Service Announcement: If you’ve never taken the time to coach a young child’s sports team, then you are a much smarter, and probably happier person than me.)
One of the main staples of the monthly Hairpin Chronicles was the haiku.
And now I present…
Haiku of the Month
A chasm too far
Effort refuses to bridge
Love evaporates
You say to yourself, “I’m not sure I’m liking the theme of this reboot.” I say, try living the reboot. It’s not all daffodils and chocolate. [ding] It’s not all tickles and chocolate. [ding] It’s not all turnips and mustard. [ding] Male frogs have big thumbs. C’est la vie. It is life, life is a show, and the show must go on.
Speaking of shows, I’ve done more comedy shows in the last year than the last 10 years combined. Once I establish my new single stability, I will begin performing again. In the meantime, I am in this awesome dance class which is totally rewarding.
I’ve dipped my toes into dating, but it’s very different as an older, non-drinker with responsibilities and only every other weekend to see someone. I am fascinated by people’s profiles on dating websites as well as very anguished when I write my own. Plus, I am a little bit insulted, saddened, and frightened by what is “available” in my age group. I need to get a fake ID that says I’m 34. I’m quite certain I can pull it off.
In closing, I want to throw out some goals/plans in the next year. That way if it’s in writing, then you can hold me accountable for some if not all of them.
Here goes:
• Create a 40-minute set of rock music song originals (or parodies) and play them in a live show for my 50th birthday (May-ish 2020)
• Complete a triathlon
• Fly to London, catch a Jaguars football game in Wembley Stadium, and possibly hang with “Jackie Chan”
• Perform stand-up at least 24 times (twice a month)
• OR land a gig at a comedy club helping the booker or wrangling comics at an open mic
• Finish a book or screenplay – the book is my guide on raising children though the moral of the story is not to have them in the first place, and the screenplay would be an original tale of several characters interconnected in their dysfunctional lives OR a re-write of The Warriors (A grotesque thought, I know but I didn’t say I’d do ALL of this)
• Visit the Dakota Hairpins
And above all, continue the resplendent resurgence of the Hairpin Chronicles. Until next time…
Your friend, (this is where I sign off with several of the monikers I have enjoyed over the last two decades)
RayShawn,
B-Roll,
The Brooklyn Prophet,
Li’l Jackie,
Schmendrick,
Jasper Hackenburg,
Hairpin,
Or if you prefer
Eric
