Reboot Volume 1 Issue 3: Scintillating Scenarios

Hey Ho, let’s go!  I am in Reno, Nevada for a financial aid conference.  It isn’t nearly as much fun as when I was here 18 years ago on TrollTour.  I won’t be “sailing with Captain Morgan” tonight or any night, though Papa Hairpin is flying in to join me for some much needed father/son time.  He’s not here yet so I have no updates.

However, I do have some updates that are very exciting to me.  So many that I don’t know where to begin.  So let’s begin with my distaste for the word “amicable” especially when it precedes “divorce.”  The EX and I have been saying “amicable” for several months.  We had a significant fight the day before Thanksgiving so I don’t know if we will continue to use it.  Even before the fight, I never felt comfortable saying “amicable.”  But I said it because I thought it’s what people wanted to hear, especially if those persons were friends with both of us and/or concerned with my well-being.  I felt I could say amicable because we weren’t raging or hating each other.  In some ways “amicable” is a continuation of our wedded problems which is complacency or stagnation.  In marriage and in separation-towards-divorce, we don’t address our issues or stop when it gets contentious/heated.  Admittedly a lot of that is me.  I was raised to be argument-averse.  I shrink or runaway from conflict.  In group counseling, our therapist always tried to encourage me to engage my anger – it rarely worked.  I’ve been repressing it for over 40 years.  Engaging my anger is what led to our pre-Thanksgiving Day fight.  And while I regret that the boys witnessed it and were upset by it (Thing 1 was crying), I was proud of myself for standing my ground and sharing my anger.  Proof positive that life is full of yin and yang moments – the same occurrence can be both good and bad.

Before the fight, my plan was to travel to the in-laws house with the EX and the boys.  After the flight we both agreed it best that I not attend.  After work I was looking for movies that I might watch that evening, but some internet k-hole search prompted “dance.”  So I switched gears with hopes that a dancing venue may present itself and it did!  Instead of spending stale, conflict adverse time with the EX and in-laws, I danced my ARSE off until 4am in the morning (wearing my Circus Barker outfit from my show last year.)  It was glorious and phenomenal.  I enjoyed every moment of it.  I danced, danced, danced as if I was paid to do so and with an energy that would have run the Energizer Bunny down.  Admittedly, I was on fumes from 3:14 am onwards.  I danced with a couple of girls.  The one I danced with the longest was this tall platinum blonde Amazon, but she left me for the DJ which I was totally okay with.  I don’t know or remember how to bring someone home.  On the subway ride home, I engaged some fellow dancers who invited me to join them for their after hours party, but I was tired and I knew drinks and maybe drugs would be involved so I said no.  On of them was a recently divorced older female with two children as well.  I should have exchanged numbers, but again I’m out of practice (and was never the best at that during my whoring days.  I mean dating days.)

I got home after 5:30am and slept past 1pm.  One o’clock in the afternoon people!!!!  I can’t remember the last time I slept past 7:30am.

And now I present…

Haiku of the Month

Possibilities

Abound for growth and learning

Ready, here I come

I do not recall if I’ve spoken to my “Self-helpery” journey.  Yes, I could look at the other two issues, since there are only two, but I’m not going to look. I’m sticking with “I do not recall.”  But yeah, I’m big on my self-helpery and growth.  One of those things is doing more of what makes me happy.  As a result, I enrolled in a 10 week dance workshop that culminates in a dance recital.  It has been so much fun and more than I had hoped for.  Plus it will be my first recital since I was four year old.  While maybe not as flexible, I am a much better dancer at 49 than I was at 4, so I’ve got that going for me.  After this recital, I’m going to sign up for a belly dancing class.  “A belly dancing class?  Why on earth would you do that?”  Well in addition to being interested in different styles of dance motivated by different cultures, there’s a lot of women in these classes.  Hello?!  Did you see my facebook post a few weeks ago?

If you did not, it’s okay.  I am not mad or upset.  I don’t lead horses to water, so why would I make them drink?  I do perform in cabaret shows with belly dancers, singers (with good voices), flame twirlers (think dragon staff – and when I say “think” I mean “google”), modern/jazz dancers, comedians (not me), and sword swallowers.  It was beyond fun.  I was surrounded by creative souls and performers and it hammered home the point that these are the people I wish to be surrounded by more often.  As for me, my act combined comedy, singing, dancing, and an exciting umbrella. It was a lot of fun and well received and who doesn’t enjoy praise.  I believe videos will be made available in the coming weeks.  I will definitely share the link on facebook and embed it in future THC.

Also inline with doing things that make me happy, I found out that Pearl Jam was touring Europe on the morning I was heading out to Reno, NV.  Lucky for me, “Beads D’Anal” lives in London, so offered up a couch or floor to me, so not only do I get to see my favorite band in Europe, I get to spend time touring London with one of my favorite strangers.  I am so excited on so many levels.

Finally, I also communicated with my favorite comedian who at best is a C-level celebrity.  He lives in Bisby, Arizona and said I could visit with his desert compound.  Maybe I’ll even be invited to be a guest on his podcast.  He took time away from his island vacation (partying with Johnny Depp) to reply to my request to meet.  I had sent him kind of a superfan crush letter requesting the meeting.  I may be more excited about this than seeing Pearl Jam with Beads.  This guy has had a huge impact on who I am, some decisions I’ve made, and some decisions I will make.  This is huge.  Be happy for me.

ACCOUNTABILITY SEGMENT (new addition to T.H.C. – as by sharing my goals, I am more accountable for pursuing them):

Goals as stated in Volume 1, Issue 1:

• Create a 40-minute set of rock music song originals (or parodies) and play them in a live show for my 50^th birthday (May-ish 2020) I now own two guitars – acoustic and electric
• Complete a triathlon – signed up for a sprint triathlon on 4-26-2019
• Fly to London, catch a Jaguars football game in Wembley Stadium, and possibly hang with “Jackie Chan” – perhaps even more exciting than seeing the Jaguars is seeing Pearl Jam.  I already have the tickets for me, “Jackie Chan” and crew
• Perform at least 24 times (twice a month) – two fun, well-received cabaret shows at the end of November and dance recital in two weeks (from December 2^nd)
• OR land a gig at a comedy club helping the booker or wrangling comics at an open mic – not so much to report (same as last month)
• Finishing a book or screenplay – the book is my guide on raising children though the moral of the story is not to have them in the first place, and the screenplay would be an original tale of several characters interconnected in their dysfunctional lives OR a re-write of The Warriors (A grotesque thought, I know but I didn’t say I’d do ALL of this) – I’ve prioritized my own self-helpery, but I have ideas and one or two titles (same as last month)
• Visit the Dakota Hairpins – no plans per se, but I will pursue more frequent nationwide travel to family in friends in 2020 and beyond, some initial conversations have been set in place, but not a date

I’m thinking of adding a “mail” component to the Chronicles.  If you have a comment or question, email me and maybe just maybe you will see your name in an upcoming THC.

Happy Holidays to you and ALL your loved ones.  Until next time…

Your friend,

Judgy Hairpin,

Coach,

RayShawn,

B-Roll,

The Brooklyn Prophet,

Li’l Jackie,

Schmendrick,

Jasper Hackenburg,

Hairpin,

Or if you prefer

Eric 

The Hairpin Chronicles: Reboot Volume 1, Issue 2

The Hairpin Chronicles

Reboot: Volume 1 Issue 1

November 2019

If you like these Chronicles, then thank “Q” because she does not let up and holds me accountable for writing them (thank you Q!)

Hola, como estas? I’m good (or at least that’s the lie I tell myself regularly.)  Of course as soon as I begin my own pity party, I buck up and tell myself, I’ve got it good when there’s a lot of people in the world who have it so much worse than I do.  “Fake it till you make it,” right?

I tell myself that this is a coping mechanism, but I’m not sure if it is.  Perhaps like most things in life, the answer lies in the gray area between “yes, it is” and “no, it is not.”  As a result of my muddled emotional and mental health, I have immersed myself in the pursuit of “self-helpery” (a term I love and admittedly stole from the author Jen Sincero.)  It should be noted that I was seeing a counselor, but due to the constraints of our wonderful healthcare system, I’ve been without one for several months, arguably when I need one most.  For this reason, I’m leaning in on the things I want to do or wanted to do but couldn’t because of a fixation of putting family first.  “Me vs. Family” – it’s very similar to what came first, “the chicken or the egg.”  How can I neglect the family over my needs, but if I don’t address my needs, then how can I meet the needs of my family?  That’s the quandary I was in, but I’m shifting to me-first.

I’m in good to great shape physically and I signed up for my first triathlon which is April 29^th a week before my 50^th birthday.  I’m finishing up a really fun and cathartic dance workshop that culminates in a recital in mid-December.  If a video is made available, then I will definitely share it.  In two weeks, I will be performing in a cabaret/burlesque benefit show. This is my third time performing with this organization that produces shows that raise funds to end violence against women.  If you cannot attend, please consider donating to the cause: https://4thuartivists.com/current-production/

I am also looking at signing up for a philosophy work shop, aikido/tai chi, or a different dance workshop as I continue my quest to find out who I am.  You know the struggle that every almost-50 year old has, “What am I going to be when I grow up?”

Life loves to throw you into comical situations.  I’m a firm believer of this.  One Saturday when I was walking home, I was stopped by a teenager and his two friends.  The teenager told me his girlfriend had just broken up with him and he was seeking advice on how to deal.  I thought to myself, “wow, this kid has a good head on his shoulders.”  My first suggestion was “Celebrate, you don’t need her,” but I quickly realized this isn’t the answer he sought because he said he wasn’t going to celebrate.  He wanted to get back with her and couldn’t get her out of his head.  I felt for this kid.  Who hasn’t gone through this?  I then remembered that I was currently in a relationship situation that I didn’t want to be in and I was wasting a lot of time thinking about what could I have done better?  Can I fix it?  My next suggestion for him was really a suggestion from myself to myself.  I told him “Get busy.”  Do things that you like to do or do things that require focus and attention.  In my later years, I’ve really bought into “idle hands are the devil’s handiwork.”  For that kid and myself, stop thinking about thinking and do things that lead to positive things, even if incrementally small.

And now I present…

Haiku of the Month

The noise in my brain

Tries to stunt all the progress

Silence IS golden

As I struggle with the awkwardness of living alone again, I’ve become a bit too focused on jumping into a relationship.  I’m online dating which is simultaneously vexing and fascinating.  I feel like I have an acute skill at “reading” a person by their profile, yet I cannot seem to write one for myself that seems adequate.  I’ve had a few dates which are much more mechanical than the random hookup that used to occur on the bar scene.  One thing that has changed drastically since my pre-marriage dating days is the existence of normalized promiscuity which is now accepted as conscious or ethical non-monogamy (ENM.)  It works out quite well for those seeking hook ups.  And while I am ALL for hook ups, really I am, I still believe in and seek an authentic relationship. 

A quote that is really resonating with me right now is “People deserve to have their needs met in relationships.” And while I seek one or multiple relationships online, I have to remember that the most important relationship is the one between me and me.  Of course I find “me” to be very distant and sometimes non-communicative.  I really wish “me” would work on his open-ness and communication skills.  The good news is that I like “me” and won’t give up on him.

FYI, I finished Thing 1 and Thing 2’s fall soccer season as their head coach.  Thing 2’s team won their final tournament in the secondary talent division and Thing 1 WON first place in their division.  Both boys were instrumental in their team’s victories because they are both dominant soccer talents.  Of course you are cordially invited to boost my ego and insist the results were all due to magnificent coaching.

ACCOUNTABILITY SEGMENT (new addition to T.H.C. – as by sharing my goals, I am more accountable for pursuing them):

Goals as stated in Volume 1, Issue 1:

• Create a 40-minute set of rock music song originals (or parodies) and play them in a live show for my 50^th birthday (May-ish 2020) I now own two guitars – acoustic and electric
• Complete a triathlon – signed up for a sprint triathlon on 4-26-2019
• Fly to London, catch a Jaguars football game in Wembley Stadium, and possibly hang with “Jackie Chan” – no progress per se, but still very much on the to do list for 2020
• Perform at least 24 times (twice a month) – two shows in November 2-19 and a recital in December 2019
• OR land a gig at a comedy club helping the booker or wrangling comics at an open mic – not so much to report
• Finishing a book or screenplay – the book is my guide on raising children though the moral of the story is not to have them in the first place, and the screenplay would be an original tale of several characters interconnected in their dysfunctional lives OR a re-write of The Warriors (A grotesque thought, I know but I didn’t say I’d do ALL of this) – I’m prioritized my own self-helpery, but I have ideas and one or two titles
• Visit the Dakota Hairpins – no plans per se, but I will pursue more frequent nationwide travel to family in friends in 2020 and beyond

And above all, continue the resplendent resurgence of the Hairpin Chronicles.  Until next time…

Your friend, (this is where I sign off with several of the monikers I have enjoyed over the last two decades)

Judgy Hairpin,

Coach,

RayShawn,

B-Roll,

The Brooklyn Prophet,

Li’l Jackie,

Schmendrick,

Jasper Hackenburg,

Hairpin,

Or if you prefer

Eric

The Hairpin Chronicles Reboot

The Hairpin Chronicles Reboot: 

Volume 1 Issue 1 

September 2019 

I found myself in a situation that I thought it prudent to send an email to my work colleagues that I deal with regularly. The purpose was to explain my newfound behavior and how it deviated from the norm. And though I sent it with serious intent, it made me giggle because my behavior deviates from the norm on a regular basis. How would someone know if I wasn’t acting normal?

And with this paragraph the Hairpin Chronicles officially return. I’ve been promising Q and Genevieve for a “Chronicles” for awhile now, but life and my master profound procrastination skills have delayed this monumental moment.

For the new readers and those who simply don’t recall what happened over a decade ago, I used to write a monthly update on the topic I know best – me. It was before web logs became blogs and before the internet was held in the palm of your hand. As one reader stated, it was perfect toilet reading. I’m taking that as a compliment.

My memory doesn’t serve, but I believe I started the Hairpin Chronicles to document my ascension from stand-up comedy emcee in Jacksonville, Florida to transcendent comedian/supernova star that illuminated the world with his wit, wisdom, and devilish good looks. (Quick note: that didn’t happen.) Or these chronicles may have begun during my trek of 27 states in 28 days documenting human beings we dubbed *trolls* for the documentary film “TrollTour” for which I was the “B-roll” production assistant.

Whatever the impetus for my HC, it was something I enjoyed immensely. Regular readers had a sneak peek into the mind of someone who was trying to “live the life of growing fame,” but in reality, was becoming a better alcoholic. But the Hairpin Chronicles had a happy ending! The author successfully sobered up, improved his job prospects, found a girlfriend whom he ended up marrying, and then gave birth to a child (the Chronicles ended before Thing 2 was born.)

In happiness and bliss, the Hairpin Chronicles faded away …

“Wait,” you ask, “if THC faded away in happiness and bliss, then why am I reading the rebooted Volume 1 Issue 1?” Good question. My answer: the wife and I have initiated our divorce. There was limited discussion about a separation, but this typist doesn’t believe in half measures. We spent over two years in couples counseling and towards the end supplemented this therapy with our own individual counselors. The divorce isn’t due to adultery or abuse. It’s due to love dissipating. We knew it was time because we weren’t role modeling intimacy and affection to our children. She and I still have an amicable relationship and I still see my children every day because I walk them to school and coach their soccer teams on Saturday. (Public Service Announcement: If you’ve never taken the time to coach a young child’s sports team, then you are a much smarter, and probably happier person than me.)

One of the main staples of the monthly Hairpin Chronicles was the haiku.

And now I present…

Haiku of the Month
A chasm too far
Effort refuses to bridge
Love evaporates

You say to yourself, “I’m not sure I’m liking the theme of this reboot.” I say, try living the reboot. It’s not all daffodils and chocolate. [ding] It’s not all tickles and chocolate. [ding] It’s not all turnips and mustard. [ding] Male frogs have big thumbs. C’est la vie. It is life, life is a show, and the show must go on.

Speaking of shows, I’ve done more comedy shows in the last year than the last 10 years combined. Once I establish my new single stability, I will begin performing again. In the meantime, I am in this awesome dance class which is totally rewarding.

I’ve dipped my toes into dating, but it’s very different as an older, non-drinker with responsibilities and only every other weekend to see someone. I am fascinated by people’s profiles on dating websites as well as very anguished when I write my own. Plus, I am a little bit insulted, saddened, and frightened by what is “available” in my age group. I need to get a fake ID that says I’m 34. I’m quite certain I can pull it off.

In closing, I want to throw out some goals/plans in the next year. That way if it’s in writing, then you can hold me accountable for some if not all of them.

Here goes:

• Create a 40-minute set of rock music song originals (or parodies) and play them in a live show for my 50th birthday (May-ish 2020)
• Complete a triathlon
• Fly to London, catch a Jaguars football game in Wembley Stadium, and possibly hang with “Jackie Chan”
• Perform stand-up at least 24 times (twice a month)
• OR land a gig at a comedy club helping the booker or wrangling comics at an open mic
• Finish a book or screenplay – the book is my guide on raising children though the moral of the story is not to have them in the first place, and the screenplay would be an original tale of several characters interconnected in their dysfunctional lives OR a re-write of The Warriors (A grotesque thought, I know but I didn’t say I’d do ALL of this)
• Visit the Dakota Hairpins

And above all, continue the resplendent resurgence of the Hairpin Chronicles. Until next time…

Your friend, (this is where I sign off with several of the monikers I have enjoyed over the last two decades)
RayShawn,
B-Roll,
The Brooklyn Prophet,
Li’l Jackie,
Schmendrick,
Jasper Hackenburg,
Hairpin,
Or if you prefer
Eric